today my faith feels like an onion

(**sidenote, this post isn't meant to be discouraging by any means. I haven't done anything terribly stupid. I'm just trying to be honest with where I'm at.)

I can pretty much guarantee that this won't make a lick of sense to anyone reading this......but I'll try and explain anyway.

Today my faith feels like an onion, because I'm dealing with multiple layers.

I've got my core: the deepest atoms of my soul, which laugh at me for trying to believe in a god, and belly laugh at me for trying to believe that this god wants something to do with me and my life. My core snickers every time I think about heaven and hell and trying to "save" the "lost". It convinces me on a regular basis that everything I believe is a load of crap and that I'm forcing myself to believe it, because that's what I've grown up believing and that's what everyone I'm close to believes. And it smirks every time I get frustrated that I feel like I'm praying to a brick wall, which is almost constant these days. It says "see? told you so. quit being an idiot and just give up already!"

The bulk of my layers are trying to convince my core and outer layers that yes there IS a God, and yes of COURSE He loves me and wants me to have an abundant life in Him! Hello? Haven't you read the Bible dummy? How can you read that and not believe? How can you look at nature and not believe? How can you listen to everything your parents and pastors earnestly tell you and think that they're crazy? "Just give in and let the peace of God take over."

Then......there are my dreaded outer layers. The ones I peel, and peel, and peel, and peel, and I thought I had peeled them for good until a couple weeks ago - my outer layers are my rebellious side. I've always had it. I've always had a hard time fighting it. In fact, for a while I gave up fighting it and let it take over! Then about a year ago, I realized how empty I was and decided to shed those layers. And for the last handful of months, that has been great and I was convinced that it was the right decision. I'm not sure what changed, but the last couple weeks I've been really fighting it. Urges are coming back. Sensations are flowing through me again. Memories are making me feel nostalgic about past sins. I've been so good about fighting them lately, but this is harder than I thought it could ever be, and I'm to the point where I'm tired of fighting it again.

So, my outer layers and my core are working hand in hand to make sure I fail. And my inner layers are so fatigued that they're not even fighting anymore. And my brain is so tired of juggling all of these layers that it's not even pushing for my inner layers to win anymore. I suppose I need to just get back into the Word and surround myself with Christians again......but the desire really isn't even there which scares me a little bit.......hmmm. Fortunately, I cut myself off from my old peer group so I don't really have anywhere to go to encourage me to get back into that stuff; however I'm finding myself weaning away from my Christian peer group, and no one seems to care about that which is frustrating.

I keep trying to figure out where this issue is spawning from, and I'm not really able to put my finger on any one certain thing. I think a big part of me is just tired of waiting. Tired of waiting for the right guy. Tired of waiting for the right peer group that I click into. Tired of waiting to figure out where my life is going. Tired of fighting my rebellious streak. Tired of pushing onward. Tired of feeling like I'm praying to a brick wall. Tired of being unsure of my faith. Just tired.

I guess I'm just asking for prayer. Ironic, considering I'm STILL not sure what I think of prayer or how I believe it works.......but I'm not ready to give up yet. By nature I'm a fighter and a pusher, and living a life pleasing to God is something I have set my mind and my heart to........but I'm finding myself passing more and more and more forks along my road lately, and for whatever reason it's getting harder to choose the side that's straight and narrow.