Unable to fall back asleep, several minutes later I got up and listened to the voicemail from my dad:
"hey kid......it's your dad........*deep breath*.....your uncle ken passed this morning. I just wanted to let you know.......he went peacefully........we'll work on travel arrangements today to get you home...........call me back. love you kid."
As soon as I heard the shaky "hey kid" part, I crumpled to the ground.
We found out Uncle Ken had cancer earlier that year.....I don't remember the exact time frame but I know it wasn't long - if I remember correctly it was only a few months before he died. I remember the last time I saw him =) He and Aunt Linda and I were standing in the parking lot of their church in Aurora. I don't remember the exact conversation, but it had something to do with me going to Calvary. I left on a good note.
I saw a picture only once, I think on someone's blog, of what he looked like shortly before he passed. He was thin. Frail. But he was still smiling. Same old Uncle Ken smile. Part of me is VERY glad I was at Calvary when he was sick. I'm glad I didn't have to watch him go through that - my last memory of him is his normal self. Part of me hates that I was at Calvary when he was sick - I never got to say goodbye.
That Thanksgiving is a blur in my memory. There are a few things I remember vividly - I remember Aunt Linda's hug at the memorial service as she told me that he wanted to write me a letter but ran out of time. I remember praying and praying and praying for Jeff as he spoke that he would make it through - and of course he did. And he did great. I remember listening to Kelli beautifully playing piano and admiring her for being so strong....I wouldnt have been able to do that. We sang songs during the service, and I remember singing until we got to "In Christ Alone". I'm still not sure what it was, but that song broke me; it's possible that during that song I cried harder than I've ever cried in my life. I remember the constant feeling of "numb". I remember watching my breath in the cold air as we stood at the grave site and thinking how short life is....just like a fleeting breath in the air.
......and that's about it. I don't remember Thanksgiving at all. I don't remember going back to Calvary. I don't really remember anything else.
I miss Uncle Ken. I remember him, but I don't have a lot of specific memories. I remember his voice, I remember his laugh. I remember how he always called me "bucko" or "beth-an-dee". As thrilled as I am that he is in a perfect body and with our Creator, selfishly I still wish he could be here to be with Aunt Linda, to watch his grandkids grow, to marry my husband and me, to answer questions about the Bible that I'm just now finally asking.
Thanksgiving is a hard holiday for me. As ecstatic as I am to be with my family this year, I have to admit that the last couple years were...easier. The hardest time for me is always when we pray before the meal - Uncle Ken used to do that. In addition to praying for the food I always have to say a silent prayer that I keep my emotions in check.
I'm sure this year won't be any different.
Is it silly that last week I wrote an email to Uncle Ken? I asked God to read it to him. Someday I suppose I'll ask Him if He did =)
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
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