Doubt

Defined: uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making; a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense; a lack of confidence : distrust; an inclination not to believe or accept; to consider unlikely.

Most days I am completely fine. I am still searching for answers to some questions that don't affect my salvation, but I've got the basics and I'm fine with that. The Ugly Truth: I have days like today where I doubt a lot of things. Some are worse than others - remember my rules and don’t judge me - some days I doubt God's existence. Today isn't quite to that extent. Today I believe in God but I'm doubting things like, for example, the Holy Spirit.

Let's go back to the beginning. Why do I believe there is a God? Because of creation. I absolutely refuse to look at the vastness of our surroundings from the tiniest atom to the complexity of our bodies to the stunning stop-you-in-your-tracks mountains and forests and oceans and skies...etc., and say they just "happened". I refuse to believe it. So yes, I believe there is a Creator. I stop there. mmmk...then what? Do I believe this Creator has anything to do with me and my life? Well if we're being blunt......not really sure. But then there's the Bible. I've grown up believing that it is total and ultimate Truth, the end. There are no discrepancies, there are no faults, nothing about it or its content has been disproven and in fact everything in it has been proven, and so on and so forth. This book tells me that this Creator loves me and wants to be part of my life. So if it's Truth, there's my connecting point...right? I dunno.....

I hate saying this. But some days (like today) I really feel like I am forcing myself to have faith. In the depths of my soul my beliefs don't feel natural. I'm forcing myself to believe that God loves me. I'm forcing myself to believe that Christ died for my sins. I'm forcing myself to believe that there's some sort of 'Spirit' that lives in me. At some point between 'yes there is a God' and 'well somehow He is involved in my life', I lose focus and get all confused.

People that I love and trust tell me to "pray through it" and "get in the Word". I don't know how I feel about prayer. Every time I've prayed lately I haven't felt at all at peace. I think I believe the Bible is Truth....but what if that's just because it's what I've grown up believing? Is it horrible to say that sometimes I wish I hadn't grown up the way I did? There are lots and lots of people who grew up with terrible lives...yet they found Truth. If it's truly Truth, I want to find it too. I want to BELIEVE - not just because it's what I've grown up with my whole life, but because i KNOW that i know that i know that i know that i know that i know that i know that it's right.

Maybe it's my medication messing with my head. I'd like to think it is... :)

EDIT:

I listened to the words of a song by Fireflight shortly after I wrote this post, and one line in particular stood out out to me:

Some things I'll never figure out
Until I let hope erase my doubt.

and maybe that's true.