temper, temper.

So......last night I had one of the worst experiences I've had in a LONG time. I lost my temper like a child. I am so embarrassed.

I have.....I'm sorry, I *had this friend; she's one of the leftover friends from my "bad group" that i cut ties with at the beginning of the year. However, once in a while she conveys that she has an interest in getting her life back together and going back to church and such, and so I stuck around and tried my best to be a good friend and I had a good testimony with her (once I cleaned up my act).

Background as to why this conversation came up: She is a few years older than I, married with 3 kids. Her life is a MESS. There's really no other way to explain it. Financial trouble, marital trouble (she almost left her husband for his best friend with whom she had been having an affair, but even after everything was brought out in the open her husband still wants to be best friends with him and is forcing her to tag along in the friendship...huh!?), health trouble, you name it she's got it. It's really hard to explain her in a nutshell.......argh anyway.

I've known her for 6 years now, and it has always been a very one-sided friendship. Anytime she needs anything at all - medicine, gas, money, food, heating pad, makeup, clothing, taking off work last minute (much to the dismay of my boss) to be with her at her father-in-law's funeral, taking her out for dinner for her birthday because no one else would, literally anything - I would drop everything I was doing to rush to her side. I don't mind being a good friend. But anytime I needed anything - someone to go with me to a doctor's appointment i was terrified about, a ride because my car broke down, even little things like hanging out - she ditched me every single time. Literally, every time. I cannot name one time in six years she's been there for me.

All that to say, I invited her to my birthday dinner last night, you know.. thinking that it was a pretty small thing to do but still a big deal for me, and of course she didn't show up. I'd had it. So I sent her a text message saying that I understood she couldn't come, but it would have been nice for her to have at least wished me a 'happy birthday', which she didn't. We ended up having a knock-down-drag-out over texting. And I literally acted like a four year old.

Brace yourself...

She called me fat.

I called her fatter.

She sneered at me for a lot of my past mistakes which i told her about in confidentiality.

I retorted with mistakes she's made.

She called me a pig.

I told her to look in the mirror.

She called me a stuck up b****.

I told her she was white trash.

You get the picture.

But then....

In reference to the fact that I have a tumor the size of a softball in my uterus, which yes, is most likely going to prevent me from having children someday and she knows that the whole situation is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, she made the comment: "you're so fat you look like you're about 9 months pregnant. too bad you'll never have one."

ok, whoa hold the phone.

I'm sorry. even if you have a bitter enemy that you can't stand. you don't bring up crap like that. that's just MEAN. mean and hurtful and wow I got so mad.

So I almost came back with "well at least if i cant conceive I wont have three mistakes", referring to her three children who were all unplanned.

And then I stopped. WHAT was I DOING?!?! This is a girl that I had a testimony with!!! seriously??? I can't even put into words how disappointed I am in myself. Even when I was younger and had a temper I can't remember a time where I sunk down to that level and just completely let my anger take over like that.

Needless to say, our friendship is done. Which is what I'd wanted for quite some time once I realized that she was never going to change her ways. Not quite the way I wanted to end it though.

We were both wrong. I've been around when she has fought with other people, and she literally out-loud says "ok, what can I say to really stick it to them....what's the most hurtful thing I know about them.....oh! got it!" That's just how she is, and why I stayed friends with her for so long, I really have no idea. But I was even more in the wrong for letting her get to me, and responding in the childish way I did. I mean not exaggerating, if you read through the texts it looks like two kindergarteners fighting. The difference between us is that I am a Christian. I am a child of God, I am an heir with Christ. Why did I lose control like that??

I know we all sin and make mistakes and have times where we let our old natures slip and get in the way. but this was a DOOZY.

So today I hang my head in shame and try to think of a way to remedy the situation....not because I want to be friends with her again, but because I have completely ruined my testimony with her and feel like I need to apologize for acting like I did.

That's the horrible thing about words.....once they escape your lips (or in my case, fingers) you can't take them back.