twenty-and-five

when i close my eyes and envision myself as a 25 year old, i dont see my life as it is. i see a fun, spunky, in-shape hair stylist who loves the Lord and is engaged or married to a fun, patient, loving, good-looking guy who loves the Lord and loves me too.

then i open my eyes. big mistake.

instead, i see a depressed, fatigued, very over-weight girl who loves the Lord but is trying to figure out what that means for her life, while drowning under thousands of dollars of debt and single as single can be.

but the most important thing ive learned.....is the "loves the Lord" part.

Dad points me to Philippians a lot, specifically chapter 4. He points me there so much in fact, that I've started pointing myself there when I find myself whining about how my life isnt what I want it to be.

I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. -Phil4:11b-13

I have never suffered. I've never in my life known what true hunger is. I've never lived without a roof over my head. I've never had my family turn their backs on me. I've never been without. ...without anything. and in fact, ive always had most of what i wanted! Paul suffered; yet he found contentment.

So, I am learning to find the balance between being content and also bettering my life. I want to be out of debt because a) its unBiblical, and b) i would SO love to do better things with my money. like support a missionary. give to Awana. give to my church. pay for hair school so that I can make a career out of what I love doing. buy a wardrobe that isnt faded with holes all over it. SAVE. you know. stuff I've never done before.

I am supposed to be taking care of the Temple I've been given. being 75 lbs overweight isnt exactly healthy.....so as soon as I'm recovered from surgery I'm going to take care of that too. not because I need to be attractive, which was always my goal (though that is a bonus for finding the aforementioned man ^_^), but because I need and want to be healthy.

As for hair school......I want to be a hair stylist. I have a lot of friends who firmly believe that God guides our every step in life. That He opens doors and closes them, and that He has a very specific plan for our lives here on earth. I haven't had the time to study that theory in and out, so im not entirely sure of my view. Maybe He does, but I'm not sure I've found Biblical, in-context evidence to support that, and I'm not sure I want to waste my life away wondering "crap! is this His sign??? What if He wants me here? What if I'm doing the wrong thing?"..........I think I would rather serve the Lord in whatever I'm doing. I happen to want to do hair. I can absolutely witness to people from behind a chair. A plus to getting a hair-cut (well for women anyway) is being able to spill your guts to an outsider - your stylist! So without preaching, I could absolutely share my testimony and offer Biblical advice, while also ministering at church via being a leader for youth groups, leading worship, etc. Not to mention the fact that doing hair combines everything im good at and everything I love. As long as I am serving the Lord I'm not sure He really cares exactly what I'm doing. Maybe someday I'll change my mind. But for now, thats my opinion.

Anyway. Those are my random hey-its-1-oclock-in-the-morning-on-my-birthday thoughts.

Maybe my projected vision will be true by the time my 26th birthday rolls around. For now, I'll close my eyes and..

Pray.

Doubt

Defined: uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making; a state of affairs giving rise to uncertainty, hesitation, or suspense; a lack of confidence : distrust; an inclination not to believe or accept; to consider unlikely.

Most days I am completely fine. I am still searching for answers to some questions that don't affect my salvation, but I've got the basics and I'm fine with that. The Ugly Truth: I have days like today where I doubt a lot of things. Some are worse than others - remember my rules and don’t judge me - some days I doubt God's existence. Today isn't quite to that extent. Today I believe in God but I'm doubting things like, for example, the Holy Spirit.

Let's go back to the beginning. Why do I believe there is a God? Because of creation. I absolutely refuse to look at the vastness of our surroundings from the tiniest atom to the complexity of our bodies to the stunning stop-you-in-your-tracks mountains and forests and oceans and skies...etc., and say they just "happened". I refuse to believe it. So yes, I believe there is a Creator. I stop there. mmmk...then what? Do I believe this Creator has anything to do with me and my life? Well if we're being blunt......not really sure. But then there's the Bible. I've grown up believing that it is total and ultimate Truth, the end. There are no discrepancies, there are no faults, nothing about it or its content has been disproven and in fact everything in it has been proven, and so on and so forth. This book tells me that this Creator loves me and wants to be part of my life. So if it's Truth, there's my connecting point...right? I dunno.....

I hate saying this. But some days (like today) I really feel like I am forcing myself to have faith. In the depths of my soul my beliefs don't feel natural. I'm forcing myself to believe that God loves me. I'm forcing myself to believe that Christ died for my sins. I'm forcing myself to believe that there's some sort of 'Spirit' that lives in me. At some point between 'yes there is a God' and 'well somehow He is involved in my life', I lose focus and get all confused.

People that I love and trust tell me to "pray through it" and "get in the Word". I don't know how I feel about prayer. Every time I've prayed lately I haven't felt at all at peace. I think I believe the Bible is Truth....but what if that's just because it's what I've grown up believing? Is it horrible to say that sometimes I wish I hadn't grown up the way I did? There are lots and lots of people who grew up with terrible lives...yet they found Truth. If it's truly Truth, I want to find it too. I want to BELIEVE - not just because it's what I've grown up with my whole life, but because i KNOW that i know that i know that i know that i know that i know that i know that it's right.

Maybe it's my medication messing with my head. I'd like to think it is... :)

EDIT:

I listened to the words of a song by Fireflight shortly after I wrote this post, and one line in particular stood out out to me:

Some things I'll never figure out
Until I let hope erase my doubt.

and maybe that's true.

These usually don't last very long....

I'll warn you ahead of time. I always start blogs with the best of intentions but um......well I'm not one for consistency in some areas. I nag myself incessantly about keeping up a journal. I love reading through them weeks, months, years later - seeing what I've learned, seeing how I've grown, documenting my questions and answers. I'm not consistent with journaling either, partially because I feel like I write too slowly and can't get everything down that I want to get down. But I have this 30 minute lunchbreak monday - friday every week and I guess I've decided that maybe I should make better use of it....so I guess I'll just journal how I'm feeling electronically; what I'm going through; the questions I'm trying to answer; whatever comes to mind :) I ask two things: dont judge me. and tell me what's on your mind. if you have any advice, if you think I'm completely wrong, if you have anything to say that's not...destructive...I'd love to hear it.

(ps, the name came from a song I was listening to at the time. thanks enya!)

so let's get to it. Is it ok to be angry with God? I hear people say that all the time. "well so-and-so was angry with Him in the Bible, so yeah it's ok!" But...is it?? I mean..it's GOD we're talking about here. You know....Creator of the UNIVERSE? Knows everything has this great plan....how is it ok to be angry with Him? I'm not really even sure if anger is what I'm feeling. There have been SEVERAL times in the last few weeks where I have cried out to Him in desperation, usually because I'm having a serious conversation with someone and have absolutely nothing to say. I search and search and search my mind for a Scripture, a piece of wisdom, ANYthing to help this person. I've been told the Holy Spirit will bring Scriptures to mind in times of need. So where was He? Why was I sitting there with a blank stare while my friend was searching for answers? It's so frustrating. I want so desperately to be able to help them and all I can come up with is "I'll pray for you". Really?

So I'm not sure it's anger. Maybe just frustration. But whatever it is I'm not dealing with it well. I feel alone. I haven't felt His presence in a very long time, and the times in the past I thought I had, I'm wondering if it was just an emotion. I know we don't always feel Him and that's fine. But when time after time I cry out and get nothing......well I dunno. That's just how I feel.